Still Intact

Well, tomorrow I am 38 weeks along, and still no Zoey! Needless to say, I made it to my baby shower just fine, and it was really nice. I have some amazing friends! I am overwhelmed by the generosity of so many people, and I am so grateful for the help. I know I would never have been able to afford half the things I got otherwise. Zoey is so spoiled already!

This Saturday I have a small family shower, and I'm sure it will also be fun. I am also sure I'll make it to that without any problem. After a two week break, my contractions are finally starting up again, but only just. I'm excited about the progress I'm making, even if it is small. I'm anxious to find out where the dilation is at on Thursday, but I don't expect it to be any more than a 2 or 3. (It was a 2 last week.) My dad said that maybe Zoey just needs a little extra time to finish developing, and I'm sure whatever it is, it's for the best. I do still get pretty impatient some days, but I am learning to be a little less of a control freak about it, and let nature take its course. (Wow, that sounded tree-huggerly!)

In the meantime, Gavin and I have been trying to make the most of the last weeks we have as a childless married couple. It's been fun (though a bit expensive!), and I'm sure we'll be glad we did it, once the baby comes and we have no time or energy left. :)

If nothing else, this waiting is causing me to appreciate what I will have; I don't think poopy diapers or incessant crying will bother me as much now. It's kind of like having to wait for Gavin while I was on my mission... I think the waiting made me appreciate him better in his entirety. I think it will be the same for Zoey. Some waiting develops a different kind of patience.

Positive Epiphany

Time to repent.

My last blog post wasn't very pleasant, and I'm sorry for being so pessimistic and self-centered. The other day I had an epiphany, and I am humbled now as I write, and I want to share some of my thoughts.

As I was walloing in my self pity and irritating all my friends and family with my complaining, I had a simple, yet powerful insight that knocked me off my pedastal and made me realize just how blessed I am. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, and to whom I am sealed for eternity. We are expecting a perfect, healthy baby-- something of a miracle, if you know my story. We are close to our family; we have wonderful friends. We live in a comfortable home, in a beautiful valley, in a free nation.

People often tell you to cherish every moment you have with your loved ones. During happy times like weddings and baby births, it's easy to remember and take that advice. The trick is to cherish even the poopy moments in life, and embrace what you have, even if it's causing you pain at the moment.

I have everything. I was selfish to think I was entitled to any more. Life is what you make it, and the level of happiness you experience is entirely your choice. Lesson learned. Again.

The Waiting Game

I'll keep this brief because I don't want to be a downer.

Contractions get to about 2 or 3 minutes apart these days, but always die down after I get some sleep. My whole body aches like I've got the flu, and my stomach is playing a convincing role as well. There's a baby head pushing my pelvic bones apart and making me pee so often I'm sore from using toilet paper. I can't sleep at night unless I take medicine. Worst of all, poor Gavin feels helpless to help me because, well, there's nothing he can do. It's raining outside and the sky is grey. I've been just praying to make it to my appointment. It's tomorrow. I'm banking on them checking my cervix for dilation, and I'm willing to bet I'm at least a 2.

Is it bad to pray for your water to break? I'm not quite to the point of the proverbial crochet hook, but I'm getting close. At this point I have only a little motivation to make it to my baby shower before the baby comes. After that though, I don't know what I'll do. Come on, Zoey!

35 weeks: Dura Mater

Sometimes it stinks being a first-time mom, because many people assume you don't know what you're doing. Often, they're right, but it doesn't make anyone feel good to be looked down on for lack of experience. Most of the time though, it's exciting. Each new development, be it funny, sweet, or even painful, is exciting. Each new experience is a sign of progress, and progress in pregnancy is a wonderful thing.

On Monday night I was having back-to-back (what I thought were Braxton Hicks) contractions, and my nurse midwife sent me in to the hospital to get checked. It turns out I was dilated to a 1, and 70% effaced. The baby's head was found at a station -2. Once my cervix was checked, labor contractions began to come regularly (though not too strong), so they gave me a drug to stop the contractions. It worked long enough for me to go home and fall asleep. At 2am the contractions started back up again, but they weren't as regular or as strong. The bleeding didn't stop for hours into the day, so I called in to ask how long it was normal to continue. The nurse I talked to advised me to come in to the clinic and made me an appointment. I reluctantly went in, but the nurse midwife didn't check me. She didn't seem to feel it necessary. Hoepfully the midwife I have next week will be willing to check. I'd really like to know if things have progressed at all!

What have I learned from all this? Well, it's always good to be sure you're not in labor. What else have I learned? Well, you're most likely not in labor anyway, and there's nothing they can do for you but give you drugs, so just stay home. I'll tough this one out until either my water breaks or contractions are so strong and close together I have no doubts at all. From here on out, I am dura mater: tough mother.

Bragging Rights

Well, yesterday was Mothers Day. Happy mothers day to all you great moms, and all that blah blah blah. But today I get to brag about my awesome husband, and how he celebrated mothers day. :)

To start off the day, he brought me breakfast in bed. It was french toast, but not just any old french toast. He pulled out my fancy cook book and found an actual recipe for it that was SO yummy. He made this huge stack and brought it to me in bed. Awesome? Of course. But then I was still tired and so we took a nap together, which happens to be one of my favorite passtimes.

After we were up and I was a bit more awake, Gavin shaved my legs for me. It was no easy task! He was terrified because I had a new razor blade and well, men don't know how to shave legs. Well, most men... we'll leave that there. Anyway, he did an awesome job, and even rubbed lotion in afterward! My legs haven't been this smooth since I've been able to see them without a mirror (months...)!

I went to get ready for church, and when I was halfway done, he popped into the bathroom with this plastic bag and said, "I thought I'd surprise you by giving you a present while you're still getting ready!" I was definitely surprised, as I thought he was already done, and I was not expecting that. It was a beautiful framed print of the Draper temple, where we were married. In the recent General Conference, the prophet counseled that we should put a picture of the temple in each of our children's bedrooms. I had mentioned that I wanted to do that, and he remembered!

At church, Gavin made sure I got one of the yummy truffles they were passing out, and he didn't laugh at me when I cried my eyes out at the primary musical number. (That always gets me, but it really hit me this time, carrying Zoey.) He carried my bag to my classroom for me and made sure I was comfortable before going to his own class.

Later in the day, we went to my grandma's house for dessert. He knows I love key lime pie and he snagged the very last slice, just for me!

Gavin is a sweet, thoughtful, and may I say-- romantic husband! What more could a woman want on a day like that? Boy did I luck out... but the very best part, is that almost all of this is normal behavior for him. He always treats me exceptionally well. I love my husband!

Is It Love?

How far would you go for the ones you love? What moral laws would you be willing to break? What covenants would you violate? What promises would you abandon?

The problem with "heroic"-though-immoral actions is that the would-be hero often fails to consider the lives of other people he might be damaging. He fails to consider the consequences outside of himself and the one he loves. So then, is it really love? In my mind, pure love does what is best for the person at hand without violating another person (especially uninvolved and without blame in the affair,) in the process. If a person gives someone he loves a gift, is that gift not tarnished if he stole it from someone else? Or is it all about the gift itself, and what he had to do to get it; or the apparent need for the gift, with no regard to other people involved?

From a recent encounter I have come to decide that a gift, if given at the expense of another, is no gift of love. It is a gift of thoughtlessnes and even selfishness. A gift that cannot be properly earned is no gift at all, but a demonstration of gratified pride.

I have seen someone wronged for these very reasons. I don't even like the person. But the wrong-doer, acting out of so-called love, did more damage to these people than good for the ones he loves. His actions were immoral; love should never be an excuse for the hurt of another, or I say that it is not love.

34 Weeks

I thought I'd break tradition and write a blog post not in the middle of the night. :)

Today marks 34 weeks of pregnancy, and I'm feeling more and more ready every day. I've cleaned the apartment, washed what baby clothes we have, packed the hospital bag almost entirely, and made Gavin help me clean out the last of the boxes cluttering Zoey's room. Now, it's time to twiddle my fingers and hope I go into labor early. It may be a bad thing that I'm so okay with early delivery, but I figure, with medical technology what it is, and my genes how they are, everything will be fine, and I'd get to be a mommy that much sooner.

This morning when I woke up, I was almost surprised to see that the bassinet beside my bed had no baby in it, and that my belly is as big as ever. Zoey's movements are so restricted, and I keep telling her that there's much more room to play in the outside world, if she'd just come on out! Well, all in good time. I'm sure she'll come at the right time, and not my time, and I'm okay with that too.

I hope I can be a good mom. With Mothers Day coming up, I have been thinking a lot about the shoes I have to fill. It won't be easy, I know that. But I'll do my best, and with Gavin by my side, I know it will be an awesome experience.