Be Nice!

A put-down can really hurt. A put-down from someone you love hurts much worse. A put down from someone you love, in the earshot of other people is the worst.

Before I move on, I just want to make a disclaimer: My husband never does that to me, and is perfect in that regard. (In other words, this is not a vent about him... that would be ludicrous in this context anyway.)

Criticism between husband and wife is important. As anyone who knows anything about relationships will tell you, communication is key. Communication isn't only about the nice stuff, and so that includes discussing the things that bother you (if indeed they need to be discussed) so that they can be sorted out and everyone can move on. However, there is a time, a place and a right way of working out problems with your spouse, and that is not in front of other people (be that physical or digital).

Constructive (and by that I mean effective) criticism is given

• In private
• A good while after the matter, when you've had a chance to cool down
• Accurately, and without exaggeration (leave out the words "always" and "never")
  
• Subjectively, and not accusingly
  
• Only when necessary
• Because you love the person, not out of spite, selfishness or pride
  
• Only once for a given issue. After it has been said once, it's your job to forget about it.
  

Doing otherwise will not only be extremely unlikely to solve the problem, but it may compound it, by introducing feelings of resentment, hurt feelings and a lack of trust. Not good. You'll find that if you follow the guidelines in the bullet points above, you will almost never criticize your spouse, and that's a good thing.

One more disclaimer. I am by no means implying that you simply bottle up the things that bother you and never say anything about them unless they happen to explode out of you. That is probably the worst thing you could possibly do with the issues you have with your spouse. What I am saying is that if it's not necessary for you to critique him or her, it's not necessary for you to dwell on it. It's not important, and you will be much happier if you just let it go.

It's a sad paradox that most people treat complete strangers better than their closest loved ones. Let's switch that around.

Cover 'Em Up

When I was in Young Women, I remember studying the standards in the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. They told us that we needed to learn the standards for dating early, and that if we made the decision young, it would be easy to choose when we were actually confronted with it later down the road. We were taught not to date until we were 16, and to not get too physically involved, etc, etc. Those are some choices that, if made in the moment, are difficult to do what's right. However, if made in advance, virtually no thought has to be put into it, and doing the right thing is almost easy.

Some may call me extreme, but when it comes to modesty, I believe in starting early. As in, the beginning. Since day one of my baby girl's life, she has been modest. Although it's summer and she has a lot of cute little sleeveless tops, I always put a onesie underneath and make sure she's covered up.

You may say that she won't even remember wearing this stuff, and surely it won't make a difference until later, but I say baloney. No, she won't remember it, but where do you draw the line? To me it's the same as the concept of modesty before entering the temple for the first time. It's no good to return from that first trip to the temple and have to clean out your wardrobe of all the stuff that's not up to par any more. In that same train of thought, when is it the "right" time to clean out your daughter's wardrobe? I say keep it clean from the start.

So many girls these days dress like they are trying to sell their bodies, and the saddest part is that it's at the encouragement of their own parents. (Hey, they don't buy that stuff themselves.) So, while they are young, and you can choose their clothing for them, choose modesty. A five year-old won't understand why it was okay to wear such-and-such last week, but now it isn't. Changing standards part-way through childhood really doesn't work. Be firm. Be consistent. Don't wait.

Live Now

I'm not a perfect person. I have my faults. I sometimes let the dishes stack up until the kitchen stinks. I sometimes say things I don't mean. I don't usually floss my teeth, and I don't say thank you enough to people. Still, there's one thing I feel I've got right:

I know how to live.

These days you can hardly turn on the radio without hearing some song about how life is to be lived to its fullest now, because you never know when it will end. Even in General Conference, President Monson encouraged us to live in the present, and to not wait until later to be happy. It's a common theme I've noticed over the past few years, and I've learned a lot from it.

I've learned to watch a good sunset all the way through. I've learned to sip my hot chocolate (never drink it) until it's gone. I've learned to listen to my husband's breathing as he sleeps by my side at night. I've learned to watch my baby's face for almost hours, taking in every expression. I've learned not to get too serious when I'm at church, but to enjoy all the little reminders around me of God's presence. I've learned not to be so absorbed in what I look like. I've learned to listen better. I've learned to love with all my heart. I've learned to live in the moment.

There's a big difference between living in the present and the "eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die" attitude. The difference is that when you live for now, you don't live with regrets later. You learn to take in life, whatever it is at the moment, and to enjoy it, learn from it, and take that part of life with you into tomorrow. You learn to reflect on what you have, and find the happiness in it, even during the rough times.

Like I said, I'm not perfect, and I'm still working on this, but it is one thing I feel strongly about. Life is to be lived, not endured. Find the joy in the simple, the every-day, the now, and you will always be happy inside.