Be Nice!

A put-down can really hurt. A put-down from someone you love hurts much worse. A put down from someone you love, in the earshot of other people is the worst.

Before I move on, I just want to make a disclaimer: My husband never does that to me, and is perfect in that regard. (In other words, this is not a vent about him... that would be ludicrous in this context anyway.)

Criticism between husband and wife is important. As anyone who knows anything about relationships will tell you, communication is key. Communication isn't only about the nice stuff, and so that includes discussing the things that bother you (if indeed they need to be discussed) so that they can be sorted out and everyone can move on. However, there is a time, a place and a right way of working out problems with your spouse, and that is not in front of other people (be that physical or digital).

Constructive (and by that I mean effective) criticism is given

• In private
• A good while after the matter, when you've had a chance to cool down
• Accurately, and without exaggeration (leave out the words "always" and "never")
  
• Subjectively, and not accusingly
  
• Only when necessary
• Because you love the person, not out of spite, selfishness or pride
  
• Only once for a given issue. After it has been said once, it's your job to forget about it.
  

Doing otherwise will not only be extremely unlikely to solve the problem, but it may compound it, by introducing feelings of resentment, hurt feelings and a lack of trust. Not good. You'll find that if you follow the guidelines in the bullet points above, you will almost never criticize your spouse, and that's a good thing.

One more disclaimer. I am by no means implying that you simply bottle up the things that bother you and never say anything about them unless they happen to explode out of you. That is probably the worst thing you could possibly do with the issues you have with your spouse. What I am saying is that if it's not necessary for you to critique him or her, it's not necessary for you to dwell on it. It's not important, and you will be much happier if you just let it go.

It's a sad paradox that most people treat complete strangers better than their closest loved ones. Let's switch that around.